We are almost finished with one of the most time consuming projects of our lives: Our Home.

We've spent the last 3 years redoing a foreclosure.  I think we have used almost every spare minute gutting this place and building it back together.  Slowly my goal is to post a few photo's of our progress.  It has been incredibly hard to balance raising 3 little children, a growing company,and home renovations. We've loved the progress and are eager to find another fixer upper to complete in the near future.

Our 2nd floor bathroom was one of the last projects we completed because it was one of the best rooms when we purchased this home, but quickly as we made progress on the rest of the house, it was clear that this bathroom needed a complete renovation.

A few photo's of how we took a bathroom from the 80's to 2015.

The previous owner of our house painted everything GREEN.  I could not wait to say goodbye to the green.

 This shower was covered in dirt on the inside no matter how hard I scrubbed it clean.  I was embarrassed anytime we had overnight guests and they used this shower.

In my dream world, we would have englarged this space rearranged it, and made it look very different, except we knew in our neighborhood it would not be worth that type of money. 

Our first task was to remove all of the ugly tile and flooring.  Demo took a few evenings to complete and another 2 weeks to clear the house of the dust.

Our house did not have a bathtub, so many hours were spent switching the plumbing from a stand up shower to a bathtub drain.

 We used tiles that looked like wood. We are completely in love with the finished product!

The plank wall took a solid 2 days to cut, hang, and paint, but so worth it! 

 If we had to redo any part of this project it would be the shelf in the corner of the shower.  We had no idea how difficult it was to tile a shelf!

The finished product 

 Joel completely realigned all of the drawers.  The drawers took 8 hours of time alone!

We found a small bath tub at Home Depot which allowed us to give our kids a bath for the first time in 3 years.

A hook for each person in our family has been transformational.

Most importantly, the kids are happy and look forward to their bath every night. 

The entire project took us about 2.5 months to complete with a 2, 3 & 4 year old running around the house.  It was during our extremely busy months during the year, so think it might have taken half of the time if we would have done it another time. We spent less than $1,500 and feel hopeful it added $10k of value to our home. 

Another Call This AM

It happened again this morning. Another phone call that took my breath away. It was my kid’s lawyer.  I was a little surprised when I saw her number pop up on my phone. We haven’t talked since adoption day 8 months ago. 

Our life has felt like a whirlwind the last couple of years. I’ve been working almost FT most weeks while staying home with our 3 young kids. Joel is in ministry and has a unique schedule. We are redoing our house, not just painting it, but a total gut job on many rooms ourselves. In our “free time”, we are drafting a very complex, detailed business plan for another dream we have in our hearts to hopefully start in the next year or two.  Two of our kids are adopted through a very traumatic past. They require patience, love, and guidance in a way that only other adoptive families could understand.

“Hello?”

“Hi Amy. I wanted to let you know what just came through on my email today. Birth mom recently had a baby. Baby is in a shelter home. I do not want you to feel any pressure, but wanted to check to see if you might be interested in taking the baby.”

My heart stopped. I knew this call may come someday, but wasn’t ready for it today.  My inbox was full. My work phone was ringing constantly. My kids needed me. My attic needs another coat of paint and I have no idea what dinner will consist of tonight. The last phone call I expected to receive was that a baby that felt like mine was waiting for a mommy to hold him.

Joel and I have said countless times that we are really enjoying just having 3 kids. We like that all 3 kids fit in our minivan nicely with even a little extra space for groceries. We like that our house feels like the perfect size for them.  We like that we’ll be empty nesters at 46.   We like that we are just starting to get more sleep recently. We like that all 3 of our kids can walk on their own and even hold each other’s hands through busy parking lots. But, we’ve said many times that we never want to be closed to God’s plan even if it feels completely crazy to us. 

I tried hard today to type those emails, finish those phone calls, and write the contracts, but it wasn’t easy and more work still awaits me tonight.  I know this baby isn’t “mine”, but it is my son and daughter’s brother. It always will be. Nothing will change that.  No courts decision of where this baby will live forever will ever change the fact that they are family by blood. 

My heart was sad today, all day.  I was sad for this little baby being tossed around to various homes right now. I was sad for the trauma this is causing him that will be carried with him the rest of his life.  I was sad for birth mom. She’s recovering from a long pregnancy and hard labor alone, without a baby to cuddle. I was sad for my kids and the loss of a sibling. They don’t feel it now, but may have many, many questions about this when they’re older.  I was sad for our family. I was sad knowing that I am most likely the person who knows this case better than anyone else. I'm the only foster mom who has read hundreds of pages of records on them. I'm the only one  who remembers even the tiniest details of their family. I’d love for this baby to fit  into our family, but honestly cannot imagine the chaos it would add right now.  Six, twelve months from now, I think it would be a different story, but right now just feels too early. 

We plan to pray and ask others to pray with us the next few days.  God will have to work a miracle in our hearts for us to consider the baby long term.  We just don’t feel it would be a good choice for our other 3 young kids. Parenting trauma children is difficult.  Difficult is an understatement. Some moments feel impossible around here.  They need us desperately right now.

We are considering taking the baby short term.  We are talking to any foster family we know asking if they are interested in this sweet little man, and we will do whatever we can to build a relationship with him and our kids no matter where he ultimately is placed.  

So, tonight, we ask that you’d pray. Pray for birth mom. Pray for birth dad. Pray for this baby. Pray for a long-term foster family for him.  Pray for the court hearings, caseworker visits, and therapists that await this little guy’s life.

Foster care is messy, it’s hard, and it hurts.  We just ask that you’d pray that the best decision would be made for this baby. Pray too that somehow in some way God would do a really cool thing in building the relationship between our family and this baby in the future.

Letter to Our Children's Birth Mom

To my children's birth mom,

Tomorrow is a big day for our family, a day that is made possible because of you. Tomorrow we will pack our little family of five into our minivan, drive downtown, walk through the court house and hear the judge legally declare your children to be ours. You do not know this is happening tomorrow. You only received a letter in the mail about a month ago that said these children will never be yours.  I cannot even imagine the hurt, disappointment, and anger you felt as you read these words.

While we’ll be celebrating, we know that your heart will be aching.  We know that you will be wishing hard that these special children were sleeping under your roof tonight, that you’ll hear their laughter as you clean up breakfast in the morning, and that you were there to squeeze them tight with your hugs.

While we celebrate tomorrow and while the judge reads that “henceforth these children will have a new last name”, our hearts will be aching to. Every adoption story has loss and for our kids, that loss is you. Our hearts will ache for the loss of you in their life. 

I’m not sure if you’ll ever read this, but I want you to know that while our kids cannot be with you, we plan to do our best to keep you in their hearts forever.  We will remind our little red head that he has your hair and our little blonde that her eyes are from her birth mom.  We promise to do our best to love these children with the deepest love we can possibly give. We’ll do everything we can to meet their physical needs, emotional needs and spiritual needs.

When they ask about you, we will remind them again and again that you loved them first. You loved them before we even knew about them.  You loved them to give them the greatest gift you could have ever given them: the gift of life even when every other possible circumstance in your life was most likely telling you to abort them.

When they ask us if you loved them, we will tell them about the many visits you attended just to hold them in your arms.  We will tell them about the gifts you gave them at holidays and the way you attended court hearing after court hearing fighting as hard as you could for these children.

We are not sure what is in the future for our relationship with you. We know right now that it is best for our children not to see you and for us not to communicate with you, but if circumstances change in the future, we are open to a different relationship.  You are and always will be a part of our family, just maybe a part that we talk about, respect, and love from a distance. 

Thank you for loving these precious kids. Thank you for choosing to give them life. Thank you for sacrificing more than anyone will ever know for them.  We love you and are so thankful for you.

-Your precious children’s adoptive mom.

Happy Father's Day to the Best Daddy Out There

When I married you six years ago I knew you'd make a good daddy, but honestly had no idea the great daddy you'd be. I had no idea that sometimes watching you interact with our children would bring tears to my eyes.  

• You are the daddy that not only demonstrates how to use his hands to work hard by hammering nails into the wall, but also working hard in the kitchen by washing dishes or cooking meals for his family. 
• You are the daddy who pours his heart into everything he does, whether it's your job, your house projects, or most importantly, loving your family-you do it with your whole heart.
• You are the daddy who regularly invites others into our children's lives. It starts feeling strange in our house if more than 5 days have gone by without you inviting someone over. 
• You are the daddy who has a son whose first words out of his mouth when he gets up in the morning are "daddy downstairs reading Bible" because he sees you starting your day in the Word.
• You are the daddy whose heart broke when his baby girl was taken away last summer. I'll never forgot those tears that ran down your cheeks as you spent the last night with her. 
• You are the daddy whose jeans constantly have holes in the knees because of the hours you spend playing on the floor with our kids each day.
• You are the daddy the kids ask for all day long and run to the door with lots of screams of excitement when they see you arrive home.
• You are the daddy who brings the laughter and fun into our home. We'd be a pretty boring family without you!
• You are the daddy who has chosen to be a father to the fatherless. Your love for our soon to be adopted kids is no different than the love you have for our biological daughter.
• You are the daddy who is raising kids to be so much like you.  It's pretty crazy to me how much they adore the music and food you like AND how much all 3 of our kids act like you already. 

Our kids have no idea just how lucky they are to have you as their dad!

Expanding Our Family-The Back Story

One of the things that drew me to Joel when we were dating was his heart for adoption. We were open to having biological children, but we both knew God had given each of us a heart for adoption and knew God wanted our little family to expand through adoption at some point in our marriage.

We went back and forth multiple times in the first few years of our marriage which path we'd follow first and ended up choosing foster care first. We were open to having our own. Joel really wanted a child that looked like him. I knew I was happy to adopt all of our children, but also open to a biological child too.

When Baby A left us, we received multiple phone calls from our agency asking us to take additional children. Every time we said no. We wanted to leave room for Baby A in our home. Our hearts needed time to heal. We observed a faulty system for months where time and time again it was so clear to us that the court order given to protect Baby A was being broken, yet no one was doing anything about it.

We figured it would take a miracle for anyone to care about this baby. A miracle for her to be returned. A miracle for her life to be protected.

Our favorite caseworker was on maternity leave until Nov and we did not want to welcome another child other than Baby A into our home without the support of a good caseworker. So, we knew we had a solid 5 months of waiting for Baby A or being open to having our own child.

I didn't want to try to get pregnant. I didn't want to get super excited to be pregnant to only learn I was not able to become pregnant. We had already had a tough year and I was not about to set myself up to be heart broken again.

We chose to not try, but be open to becoming pregnant knowing we had about a 5 month window before we'd welcome a foster baby other than Baby A. Baby A would always have a place in our home whether we became pregnant or whether we welcomed another foster baby this fall.

To make a long story short, we became pregnant right away. Holding that positive pregnancy test was bitter sweet. I was obviously excited to be pregnant, but also thought it was God's way of telling me that Baby A was never coming back. Why else would we get pregnant so quickly when we weren't even trying?

Joel was away the week I took the test, so I planned a fun surprise to tell him when he arrived home. After I told him, he sat on the couch and told me that God had really worked in his heart that week. God had made it clear to Joel that He wanted us to take in another foster baby. Joel had plans of telling me that night that "we should be foster parents again sooner".  

When I was 8 weeks pregnant and INCREDIBLY sick, I received a call from our caseworker notifying me that Baby A was removed from birth mom's home and they were on their way to bring her to our house. I literally screamed back to her "I'M PREGNANT AND SUPER SICK".  She responded, "you'll still take her right?".  My response, "well, yeah, of course, she's our daughter, but WOW....".

Baby A has been back and forth a little bit over the last month, but we're hopeful she is here to stay forever now. At the very least she'll be with us the next few months until the next court hearing.

The last 2 months have felt like a total whirlwind. I am 13 weeks pregnant and have never been so sick before in my life. I'm hoping I'm almost to the "feeling good stage".  Baby H is due early April. I've been doing my best to care for a toddler and a growing baby while accepting any offers from friends to help me!

We're excited and a little nervous for 3 kids under the age of 3, but we also recognize God is writing our story, not us. He knows that we'll fail a lot as parents, but we feel super lucky He has chosen us to raise these three precious children.

More Kids?

Not even three weeks had passed since baby A left our home before our caseworker was calling us again. "Amy, there is a 7 day old baby girl at the hospital who needs a home, would you & Joel be willing to be her foster parents? I hesitated to call you because I know you are going through a lot, but figured I'd give it a try".  

I love babies, especially newborns. We have a minivan, a car seat, and a nursery packed full of baby girl clothes. We even have a big brother who misses having a baby sister to cuddle with, give kisses to, and tickle.  Our life is set up for a baby right now. How could we possibly say no?

I asked our caseworker, "well, what happens if Baby A would need a home, what would I do with this baby?" Her response, "well, if you have the room, then you can take both, but if not, we'd find another home for Baby A."  My heart felt torn. I knew this 7 day old baby needed a home now. I had no idea if Baby A would ever need a foster home again or if she would need a home tomorrow, but I knew we didn't have the space for both. 

I ask our caseworker to give me a few minutes. I hung up the phone and just start balling my eyes out. I'm not ready for this. Joel's not ready and our toddler needs us. Yet, I feel so selfish. I desperately want to love these precious orphans in our neighborhood, yet my heart is so full of pain. I turned to Joel who hugged me and said, "Amy, not now, we need to save a place in our home for Baby A in case she ever needs a safe home to live". 

A couple of months have passed and we have received additional phone calls for other children and every time we have said no. I cannot begin to tell you how heart wrenching it is to say no to a child who is just sitting in a hospital nursery with no family or a little boy just waiting at a police station with no one coming or to hear our caseworker tell us she had 8 children in one week during the overnight shift alone who she could not find a home for.

We do not know what the future will hold for Baby A or for our family. We are and always have been open to having our "own" children and open to taking additional foster children, but in the future. Right now, we must give time for our hearts to heal. Time for lots of love to be given to our toddler. Time to gain a better sense of what is happening in Baby A's case.

We always plan to leave a spot in our home for Baby A. One of the reasons foster children are in 20 different homes by the time they turn 5 years old is because after leaving one foster home, the first foster family takes in another child and has no room for the child that was originally placed with them. We hate to think of Baby A having another transition in her life of potentially living with another family. We are choosing to be committed to Baby A for the long term. 

Honestly, we're not exactly sure what the future holds for our family, but know right now our love and focus is on our little toddler and hope to someday add a younger sibling when our toddler is ready!

Losing Your Foster Child

Two months have passed, just two months since our foster child left. One moment, it feels like yesterday, the next it feels like forever. I'll never be able to describe to anyone the pain our hearts have felt the last two months. I frequently turn to Joel and tell him "I'm so glad we are in this together".  There is no one else who has experienced the same depth of love for these children, the same trouble sleeping, the same physical sickness over the news of baby A leaving. There is no one else who has been as comforting as Joel the last two months.


My purpose in writing this post is not to make you feel sorry for us. I'm writing this post for those who are experiencing the loss of a foster child. Other than Joel, the main thing that I found comfort in the last two months have been talking to people who have been through this and reading blogs about people experiencing this type of loss. My hope in sharing my journey is that others may find comfort too.


We had 7 days from the time we heard the news that our baby girl was returning home until the time she left our home. Every judge is different. Every court order is unique. I've heard some stories where the child is returned the same day, others where the judge ordered months before returning the child home. We had 7 days where we wanted to pour every ounce of love into this sweet baby one minute and the next minute did not even want to touch her. At times, we did not want to bond. We would rather her leave now then stay 7 days.


It was awful feeling this way. No emotion I was feeling felt right. Pair this with literally not being able to sleep or eat and lots of random crying. I was a walking recipe for disaster who was still chasing after a toddler and a newborn for 7 days.


People were comforting. I'm an introvert, but I needed to surround myself with people for those seven days. The more I was by myself, the sicker I felt. I had friends stop by to check on me all different times of the day. I just needed to be with people who let me cry, let me vent, let me complain, and let me be me whoever that me was at the time.


I avoided people who told me "praise God in the suffering" or "God has a plan for everything". Let me just hurt. Come, sit on my couch, hold my hand, and cry with me. Please feel the pain I am going through. God finds the most praise from us when we bring all we have to Him, even if all we have is pain, raw, confusion, and sadness.


I spent hours on the phone being this baby's advocate. I begged every lawyer and caseworker to care. Please will someone make an appeal and let this court order be changed? How can a court system in the United States let a baby be returned to a home with parents who are not ready? I didn't understand any of it. 


Why did it take days for a caseworker to return my phone call? Why did every one else in the system seem to think this was so minor? This is a living, breathing human baby, not a laboratory mouse. I literally had caseworkers tell me "well, we need to give birth parents an opportunity to try".  TRY, they've had a couple years to try and proven themselves incapable of this. Why oh why do Americans not care about such a broken system?  


I felt as if I was the only person who cared about this child. I was the mommy who visited baby A at the hospital. I was the mommy who tucked her in every single night. I was the mommy who her held her close and kissed her chubby cheeks. I was the mommy who worried if she was eating enough or sleeping enough. The mommy who always wanted to make sure she was not too hot or too cold. The mommy who spent way too much time picking out her outfit for the day.  I knew this baby better than anyone else, yet had no voice in the decision making.


As a foster mom, you always try to prepare your self for your foster child returning home. Being a foster mom, you know the details of the case and the history of the children. I had told several friends long before we knew baby A would be returned that "I'd rather these children die than return to their birth parents. I'd rather they experience a peaceful death, than a life of suffering". I meant it. It is torture for a foster parent to consider the neglect and abuse their foster child may be experiencing when returned to birth parents.


Those 7 days were a bit of a blur. Lots of crying. Very little sleep. I literally forced myself to eat crackers. My stomach felt so ill from the stress and worry that surrounded this baby. There were many moments where I wanted to throw myself into my job and forget about my kids. At least I could control my job when I could not control the circumstances of my children. A lot of emotions that we didn't know how to process or handle. Lots of worry about baby A. Worry for ourselves. If I felt like this now, how much worse will I feel after she leaves? 


My mom came for the weekend. It was really good to have someone else around who deeply loved these children and another hand to love on these precious kids. 


Day 6 came and I had to call our caseworker to ask her what the plans were for transition for baby A.  Another classic social work failure: foster mom making phone calls to initiate plans.


I took Baby A to the pediatrician for her final appointment. I wanted to be sure I would not be blamed for abuse later, so made sure she had all necessary paperwork and a pediatrician to look over every inch of her body for any marks. I walked in to her office with plans of staying composed and not crying, but by the time I walked out not only was I in tears, but 1/2 the nurses in the building were too. 


We packed her bags that night.  A few outfits, diapers, and bottles. Joel & I sat in her room as she slept in her swing and prayed and cried together. I just remember Joel turning to me and saying "I'm going to miss her SO much".  "Me too, babe, me too. I cannot believe this is happening. None of it feels real."


Both kids were scheduled to have a visit the next morning. We loaded both children into the driver's car and walked inside, laid on our bed and cried. 


No one will ever replace baby A.


Signing up for foster care meant signing up for the risk of experiencing lost. We felt loss. We felt it hard. I cannot imagine a deeper pain. We didn't sign up for foster care because we thought it would be easy, we signed up because we believe God wants us to provide a safe and loving home for children. We did that. We loved deep. We loved without regret. No matter what the court decides for baby A's future, we will continue to love her for the rest of our life.

My Little Toddler's Room

We loved adding some toddler colors to our home this year!

Convertible Crib: Craigslist $100.  This was his crib, now toddler bed, and future twin bed.  

Growth Chart-a piece of plywood we painted blue, bordered by molding we painted green, and a few numbers Joel drew with white paint. Cost of project: way less than $10.

Blackboard-1 piece of plywood, painted with 2 coats of chalk board paint, and bordered by molding we painted red. Cost: $5.

Laundry Hamper-Thrift store find for $10. The dresser was a Craigslist find for $50. A lot more than I wanted to spend, but it's quality wood. Originally, the dresser was white, so we painted it green and the knobs blue to match his room.

Green Shelf-followed these instructions and painted it green ($15). Piggy bank purchased at Home Goods ($10), frames from Ikea ($35), transportation scrap book paper from Michael's, and large alarm clock from Home Goods ($10). 

Abacus-instructions found here. This was by far our most time intensive project. My love runs deep for my toddler--the hours and hours spent hand painting the individual beads. Wood and rods were purchased from Home Depot. Beads purchased here.

Wall of books-cheap, easy decor idea. We were inspired by Ikea's shelves here, but wanted much longer pieces made of wood and not cheap Ikea "material". Cost of wood/paint: $30

These do pose a safety hazard. I have found my toddler climbing the walls on a couple of occasions. 

Curtains: Target ($30/pair)  Blinds: Ikea. Slide: FREE-love hand me downs!

We purchased the futon off of Craigslist 5 years ago for $30. Spray painted it red to coordinate in this room better and purchased some fun pillow covers to match his room from Etsy ($20/each).

Emotions

I have called our caseworker countless times letting her know that on weeks our toddler has multiple visits with birth parents, we observe the following: pooping in the bath tub, pounding his head into the wall after visits, slapping my face, and up for hours in the middle of the night crying.  Her response: "don't worry, he doesn't know what is going on. He is too little."


This week was the 1st week in 2012 where our toddler hasn't had any visits with birth parents and he is like a new kid. Why don't caseworkers/attorney's listen to me when I tell them these visits are affecting him emotionally which in turn affect his behavior?!?!  The crap children in the foster care system have to go through that affects them emotionally and behaviorally for the rest of their life is heart breaking to me. 


May our home always be a safe place for these precious children.  May foster children always know that I will be a mommy who will stay up with them for hours in the middle of the night calming their cries. I will hug them when they hit me. I will refill their bath tub as many times as I need to to ensure they have clean water to bathe their little bodies. 


I will be here when the rest of the world may think my child's behavior is out of control. I will understand that they have no way of expressing the emotional pain they are feeling other than acting out behaviorally. I will understand that we may not even see much of the emotional damage that has been done to our foster children until they are much older.  I will love these children with all of my heart and do whatever I can to provide them a stable home where they are covered in love. 

Losing Our Baby

10 months ago my phone rang. It was our caseworker asking us if we were willing to take another foster baby. Our foster child's birth mom was pregnant. Our immediate answer was yes.


We prepared. We decorated a nursery. We washed loads of baby clothing. We waited and waited for her to arrive. We visited baby A at the hospital. We brought her home. We loved her like our own. Joel used a huge chunk of his vacation time. Our families drove hundreds of miles to love on this sweet new addition. We made memories. We did not sleep at night. We spent hours loving our little baby and teaching her big brother to do the same.


Meanwhile caseworkers continued to assure us: mom is making very little progress. We are moving toward adoption. What a precious family you make!


And then, 3 months later- court day came. We spent 3 long hours in the court room and listened to birth parents make silly arguments and our children's attorney's not speak up for these precious children. We sat completely silent in a court room wishing there was a legal place for our voices to be heard. Then, heard a judge tell everyone our sweet baby was returning to birth parents within a week. Birth parents who had proved to not be ready by psychologists, parenting classes, and supervised visits.  Nothing in the court room had made a bit of sense. No one had fought for our kids. One minute the judge was saying return to home for our baby and the next minute he was advocating for adoption for our toddler. 


We knew when we committed to becoming foster parents that there was always a chance that our children could leave our home and live with their birth parents. We had always been assured this would happen when birth parents proved themselves ready. I have always tried to think about what it will feel like if this decision was ever made, but nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I have been feeling the last few weeks.


We left the court room shocked. Walked out to our car with our caseworker and started driving home with our kids. The tears started rolling down my face. Then, came the sobs. The shock. The horror of the court system. I couldn't believe it.  Why does no one care about the safety of this little baby riding in the seat behind me?


Joel and I arrived home, laid our little kiddo's down for a nap, sat on the couch, held each other and cried. I felt so sad, so helpless, so mad at a court system who cared more about birth parent rights than the safety of children, and so scared for the future of Baby A. 

Foster care is a really interesting thing.  

Last July we received a call from our caseworker. The coversation went a little bit like this:

Caseworker: "Amy, birth mom is expecting a baby. Would you and Joel be willing to take another baby?"

Me: I'm pretty sure. We've always said we would. We want a big family and would love our little man to have a birth sibling, but let me check with Joel to make sure"

Caseworker: "Ok, sounds good. I should also let you know that she is DUE ANY DAY"

Me: "ummm, ok"

Meanwhile, Instant Panic.  

We were completing an International Triathlon in 5 days and leaving in 2 weeks for our summer vacation for 10 days.  We would need to rearrange our entire home, our entire life, make a million newborn purchases including a car seat, crib, & clothing. We had  a major race to complete, needed to consider taking a newborn to the beach or consider cancelling our vacation...AND not let our already "unplanned for a baby" life stop for a second.  This moment of panic must be the reason God gives pregnant mom's 9 months to prepare.

Another baby?  Our little guy isn't even 1 yet! How can I expect him to be a big brother when he is still a baby? Does this really mean I can't carry him around everywhere because my hands will be full with baby #2? He's not ready, I'm not ready for him to be a toddler yet. 

Back on the phone to our caseworker: "Count it as a YES. I'll talk to Joel in a couple hours. If he says no, then I'll call you back right away, but I'm 99% sure he'll say yes"

The next few days felt like a whirlwind. We decided to make a couple major purchases, like a crib and start making lists of everything we needed in case the baby showed up.  But in case the baby didn't, why turn our life into a chaotic whirlwind?  

So we lived life. We completed the triathlon. We went on vacation. We were anxious. We were excited. We had a million questions. We waited and waited and waited and were told week after week, "baby is due any day".  

By the end of Sept, we received the news that birth mom was not due until 2012. I was honestly relieved.  The baby was alive and healthy. I had more time to watch our son turn from a baby into a toddler, and more time to prepare our little family to grow. 

The crazy part about foster care is that you never know anything for sure. To help people from asking too many questions that we may or may not become sick of answering, we chose to just break the news to close friends and family.  As time marches on and our home has an extra nursery and our hearts grow with anticipation, we have started sharing with more people, but it is always an interesting conversation.

I understand why. I understand that people are excited for us, but they feel a lot of sadness that another baby may be placed into the foster care system. 

I understand that I do not have a cute ultrasound photo to share or a big belly for all to see and that the reason for excitement in my life means loss for another mother. I understand that foster care is a tricky mess. I understand this conflict of emotion that others have for us because we feel it too. We are excited, anxious, over joyed, while at the same time feel the heart ache of the situation.  

Caseworkers told us to prepare for baby #2 to join our family, but we will not know for sure if this little one is entering our home until we are holding this baby in our arms. We are hoping and praying that this will happen in the next month or so.

Until then, we prepare. We prepare the same way any other 9 month pregnant mommy is preparing right now too. We place another car seat in our car, wash a million newborn outfits, and make sure we have everything this little girl or boy may need his or her first few weeks of life.  We wait and hope that we'll be holding a sweet newborn in our arms soon. 

We are thankful for our family and friends who have been so supportive of our journey and have shared in our excitement.  Thankful for these precious little children. Thankful for a God who walks through this path of parenting and season of uncertainty with us. Thankful for what might be our last few full nights of sleep for a while.