Losing Our Baby

10 months ago my phone rang. It was our caseworker asking us if we were willing to take another foster baby. Our foster child's birth mom was pregnant. Our immediate answer was yes.


We prepared. We decorated a nursery. We washed loads of baby clothing. We waited and waited for her to arrive. We visited baby A at the hospital. We brought her home. We loved her like our own. Joel used a huge chunk of his vacation time. Our families drove hundreds of miles to love on this sweet new addition. We made memories. We did not sleep at night. We spent hours loving our little baby and teaching her big brother to do the same.


Meanwhile caseworkers continued to assure us: mom is making very little progress. We are moving toward adoption. What a precious family you make!


And then, 3 months later- court day came. We spent 3 long hours in the court room and listened to birth parents make silly arguments and our children's attorney's not speak up for these precious children. We sat completely silent in a court room wishing there was a legal place for our voices to be heard. Then, heard a judge tell everyone our sweet baby was returning to birth parents within a week. Birth parents who had proved to not be ready by psychologists, parenting classes, and supervised visits.  Nothing in the court room had made a bit of sense. No one had fought for our kids. One minute the judge was saying return to home for our baby and the next minute he was advocating for adoption for our toddler. 


We knew when we committed to becoming foster parents that there was always a chance that our children could leave our home and live with their birth parents. We had always been assured this would happen when birth parents proved themselves ready. I have always tried to think about what it will feel like if this decision was ever made, but nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I have been feeling the last few weeks.


We left the court room shocked. Walked out to our car with our caseworker and started driving home with our kids. The tears started rolling down my face. Then, came the sobs. The shock. The horror of the court system. I couldn't believe it.  Why does no one care about the safety of this little baby riding in the seat behind me?


Joel and I arrived home, laid our little kiddo's down for a nap, sat on the couch, held each other and cried. I felt so sad, so helpless, so mad at a court system who cared more about birth parent rights than the safety of children, and so scared for the future of Baby A.