Questions People Ask Us About Foster Care

I always feel torn about telling others that we do foster care. If it was just about my opinion or feelings, I would not have a problem sharing.  I want others to learn about foster care with the hope that they'll consider foster care for themselves.


But I choose not to tell a lot of people. The problem is, foster care automatically places a label on my son. It automatically makes him the child with a "history" and with possible "issues".  I want to do my part to make his life as "normal" as possible.


It's happened time and time again. I'll be chatting with someone about my son. We'll talk about his silly personality, his new developments, how parenting has changed our life. You know, "The Normal Parenting Conversation".  Then, far too often another "normal" question will come, "Where did you give birth to your son?" or "how was your pregnancy?" (yep, birth and pregnancy questions arise more often than you think!") Then, I'll tell them he is a foster child. Then, the conversation has a very awkward silence. Then the questions start.


I've listed a few of the many questions I receive and listed my real answers. My apologies if my answers sound harsh. I understand everyone is somewhere on a path on their knowledge of foster care and adoption. I truly want to extend grace and patience to everyone because I know I use to (and probably still do) ask a lot of rude questions to people who are farther down on this journey of adoption and foster care than me.


But, this is my blog and I also want to be real. Sometimes these questions hurt. I've shed many tears for my little son and "the label" that is on his life. Why must the questions people ask always change when they learn my son is in foster care? Why does my son go from being a very "normal" child to one with all kinds of issues. He is still the same child with the sweet smile & silly personality you have been watching for the last five minutes of our conversation. 


Deep down, I hope people will be gracious enough not to ask these questions in front of him when he is old enough to understand them. I hope he will never feel the label people place on his life.


If you're reading this, please know I want to answer your questions. I want to help you understand adoption and foster care. Please also be sensitive to those in foster care, those who have been adopted, and those of us who are somewhere in the middle.


Here are a few of the questions we receive regularly.


QUESTION: So, are you and Joel not able to have your own children?

• My Polite Answer: We're open to it. Foster care/adoption is plan A for us.
• Real Answer: My heart breaks that you automatically assume foster care/adoption is our second choice. We've never tried to get pregnant.  We're very open to having our own children down the road, but not opposed to adopting all of our children either. We want to do everything we can to provide safe and loving homes for as many children as possible and want our foster/adopted children to know that they have been and always will be part of our plan for having children.

QUESTION: What's your little guy's history? Why is he in foster care? What is his story? Was it drugs?

• My Polite Answer: There are a lot of reasons. We are really lucky to be the ones to provide him a safe and loving home right now. We want our son to tell his story as he chooses in the future .
• Real Answer: Wow! Can't believe I was asked this question AGAIN.  What makes you think you have the right to know?!?!?  This little toddler that you see running around will someday be a 10, 15, 20 year old young man. He has feelings. He has a heart. We want him to be able to share his story on his own in his own time in the future. We do not want him to always wonder who in his life might know more about his story than he does.
• And, people always assume he is in foster care because of drugs! Did you know that babies can be born drug exposed at the hospital (meaning birth mom used drugs within 24 hours of giving birth) and usually that baby is sent home with that birth mom. Just because a child is born with drugs in their system does not automatically mean they will be placed into foster care. Another extenuating circumstance must be present in the child's history for a baby born drug exposed to be placed into the foster care system.  I hope this breaks your heart just as much as it breaks mine. Do you realize how challenging waking up for those middle of the night feedings can be? Imagine being on drugs and trying to care for a newborn? Are those newborns really being cared for the way they should be?  This is one of the many things wrong with the system, but unfortunately the system is trying to work with the limited number of foster homes they have available and limited money in the budget.
• And, did you know that hundreds of babies born drug exposed live a very normal life. Babies born drug exposed are amazing and they have an incredible ability of developing like any other typical baby. I'm not saying  this to underestimate the babies who do have results due to the drug use of their birth mother. Many babies have many real issues and need therapy,  but it is not right to assume a drug exposed baby will have all types of issues in the future.

QUESTION: How much money are you paid for doing foster care?

• My Polite Answer: Sometimes enough to pay the costs of raising a child. There have been many months where we have spent more than we have received. You cannot make an income on being a foster parent, but we are super thankful for the financial help we receive.
• Real Answer: I understand this is a fair question. Children cost money. We would not be able to consider taking in so many children in the future if we were not given money to help meet their needs. People may be considering to not be foster parents because of the extra costs & I want to help assure them financial assistance is available to help. 

QUESTION: Where does your child's _______ hair come from? Why is his skin a different shade?

• My Polite Answer: it runs in the family
• Real Answer: I get it, our son looks different than us. Thanks for noticing. We hadn't noticed ourselves. I've had to teach myself to never ask these types of questions to others because it automatically separates a child from the adopted family. Think, if the adopted child hears people say this all of the time (which I typically receive this question once a day), the separation continues to be drawn again and again and again. 

Please know, that if you are a close friend or family member, that we really appreciate your questions. We appreciate your care. We appreciate your concern. We appreciate your understanding when we cannot always tell you the answers to your questions. Please know, that sometimes it's really hard to not tell you everything. We're human and long to be able to process the information we receive with those around us. We know we have messed up on this and we'll probably mess up again. We're not perfect, just 2 parents who mess up and continue learning a lot along the way what this foster parenting thing is all about.  We feel pretty lucky that God  has entrusted us, even in our brokenness, to raise this sweet little toddler.