Two months have passed, just two months since our foster child left. One moment, it feels like yesterday, the next it feels like forever. I'll never be able to describe to anyone the pain our hearts have felt the last two months. I frequently turn to Joel and tell him "I'm so glad we are in this together". There is no one else who has experienced the same depth of love for these children, the same trouble sleeping, the same physical sickness over the news of baby A leaving. There is no one else who has been as comforting as Joel the last two months.
My purpose in writing this post is not to make you feel sorry for us. I'm writing this post for those who are experiencing the loss of a foster child. Other than Joel, the main thing that I found comfort in the last two months have been talking to people who have been through this and reading blogs about people experiencing this type of loss. My hope in sharing my journey is that others may find comfort too.
We had 7 days from the time we heard the news that our baby girl was returning home until the time she left our home. Every judge is different. Every court order is unique. I've heard some stories where the child is returned the same day, others where the judge ordered months before returning the child home. We had 7 days where we wanted to pour every ounce of love into this sweet baby one minute and the next minute did not even want to touch her. At times, we did not want to bond. We would rather her leave now then stay 7 days.
It was awful feeling this way. No emotion I was feeling felt right. Pair this with literally not being able to sleep or eat and lots of random crying. I was a walking recipe for disaster who was still chasing after a toddler and a newborn for 7 days.
People were comforting. I'm an introvert, but I needed to surround myself with people for those seven days. The more I was by myself, the sicker I felt. I had friends stop by to check on me all different times of the day. I just needed to be with people who let me cry, let me vent, let me complain, and let me be me whoever that me was at the time.
I avoided people who told me "praise God in the suffering" or "God has a plan for everything". Let me just hurt. Come, sit on my couch, hold my hand, and cry with me. Please feel the pain I am going through. God finds the most praise from us when we bring all we have to Him, even if all we have is pain, raw, confusion, and sadness.
I spent hours on the phone being this baby's advocate. I begged every lawyer and caseworker to care. Please will someone make an appeal and let this court order be changed? How can a court system in the United States let a baby be returned to a home with parents who are not ready? I didn't understand any of it.
Why did it take days for a caseworker to return my phone call? Why did every one else in the system seem to think this was so minor? This is a living, breathing human baby, not a laboratory mouse. I literally had caseworkers tell me "well, we need to give birth parents an opportunity to try". TRY, they've had a couple years to try and proven themselves incapable of this. Why oh why do Americans not care about such a broken system?
I felt as if I was the only person who cared about this child. I was the mommy who visited baby A at the hospital. I was the mommy who tucked her in every single night. I was the mommy who her held her close and kissed her chubby cheeks. I was the mommy who worried if she was eating enough or sleeping enough. The mommy who always wanted to make sure she was not too hot or too cold. The mommy who spent way too much time picking out her outfit for the day. I knew this baby better than anyone else, yet had no voice in the decision making.
As a foster mom, you always try to prepare your self for your foster child returning home. Being a foster mom, you know the details of the case and the history of the children. I had told several friends long before we knew baby A would be returned that "I'd rather these children die than return to their birth parents. I'd rather they experience a peaceful death, than a life of suffering". I meant it. It is torture for a foster parent to consider the neglect and abuse their foster child may be experiencing when returned to birth parents.
Those 7 days were a bit of a blur. Lots of crying. Very little sleep. I literally forced myself to eat crackers. My stomach felt so ill from the stress and worry that surrounded this baby. There were many moments where I wanted to throw myself into my job and forget about my kids. At least I could control my job when I could not control the circumstances of my children. A lot of emotions that we didn't know how to process or handle. Lots of worry about baby A. Worry for ourselves. If I felt like this now, how much worse will I feel after she leaves?
My mom came for the weekend. It was really good to have someone else around who deeply loved these children and another hand to love on these precious kids.
Day 6 came and I had to call our caseworker to ask her what the plans were for transition for baby A. Another classic social work failure: foster mom making phone calls to initiate plans.
I took Baby A to the pediatrician for her final appointment. I wanted to be sure I would not be blamed for abuse later, so made sure she had all necessary paperwork and a pediatrician to look over every inch of her body for any marks. I walked in to her office with plans of staying composed and not crying, but by the time I walked out not only was I in tears, but 1/2 the nurses in the building were too.
We packed her bags that night. A few outfits, diapers, and bottles. Joel & I sat in her room as she slept in her swing and prayed and cried together. I just remember Joel turning to me and saying "I'm going to miss her SO much". "Me too, babe, me too. I cannot believe this is happening. None of it feels real."
Both kids were scheduled to have a visit the next morning. We loaded both children into the driver's car and walked inside, laid on our bed and cried.
No one will ever replace baby A.
Signing up for foster care meant signing up for the risk of experiencing lost. We felt loss. We felt it hard. I cannot imagine a deeper pain. We didn't sign up for foster care because we thought it would be easy, we signed up because we believe God wants us to provide a safe and loving home for children. We did that. We loved deep. We loved without regret. No matter what the court decides for baby A's future, we will continue to love her for the rest of our life.
2 comments:
Finally around to reading this and the tears are flowing. My heart still hurts for yours.
As a mom of two little girls (and one on the way), I can't imagine what this experience has been like. We know a foster family, too, who has gained children, lost children, had to give up children due to serious issues, and so on. Eventually, they went through the adoption process to keep the little boy and little girl that they have now--and things seem much more peaceful.
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